Ironic
by yulchii
Summary: Tenten was not satisfied with her life. So instead of sitting on her butt in her shop like everyone, including herself, expected, she got moving. This wasn't exactly the direction she would have choosen if she had known where it would get her. But in the end, she didn't regret it.
**Summary:** Tenten was not satisfied with her life. So instead of sitting on her butt in her shop like everyone, including herself, expected, she got moving. This wasn't exactly the direction she would have choosen if she had known where it would get her. But in the end, she didn't regret it.

 **Disclaimer:** Naruto and Avengers (Iron Man, Marvel Universe, whatever) don't belong to me.

 **Warnings:** Language, others I'm not sure of, absolutely NO pairings

 **Rating:** T

 **Word Count:** 5769

 **Author's Note:** I fuckin' hate Tenten. Or maybe I don't. But she's so annoying. (I stopped watching the anime because she annoyed me so much, like, a year or so ago, there was an episode with Tenten in the Big-ass-super Genjutsu and she annoyed the shit outta me. She was running around and screaming "mou!" and fuck, I was so enraged at the filler that I just screamed incoherently and shut my laptop.) Like, I know that _I_ couldn't have done any better than her but come on! Kishimoto depicted her as someone wielding Rikudo Sennin's fucking ancient super weapons without dying from Chakra exhaustion while everyone else (apparently) _did_ die. I thought she would finally _do_ something! For example, take a chunk out of the Juubi because _hello,_ Sage's freaking Treasured Tools, that has to count as something? I was wrong again. Kishi completely trampled (with Naruto and Sasuke's giant Spirit Guardians/Bijuu shit) all over my hopes. Sorry for the rant. See any mistakes - point them out to me. Have any ideas about this or any of my other fics - send me a review or a PM. So. Ugly and weird and with Tenten in the lead. Yeah.

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

* * *

Tenten was not pleased. Not. At. All. This kind of thing should happen only to Naruto! Or that broody Uchiha bastard, the traitor certainly deserved to be thrown in such an awful situation. But _nooooo_. As it was, it was her. _Her_ , Tenten, aged twenty, special joinin but not _special_ at all, besides being a Seal Mistress. After the war, she joined the ANBU and was given specialized training, which included the more advanced levels of Sealing. She had the weapons and exploding taps down pat but all the other aspects? She felt like a newbie when she realized that what she knew amounted to nearly nothing. Because there was so much more to the Art than she ever realized.

She learned all she could about Fuinjutsu, wringing the scrolls from these old bag instructors and other old as dirt citizens, who were retired shinobi. Unluckily, they themselves knew next to nothing. Nobody was really all that interested or talented in Sealing. And to be called something other than idiot and a novice, you needed to be both interested and have talent for it.

As it was, they only knew things she learned while still under Gai-sensei's tutelage, that is sealing weapons and standard exploding tags. Not useful at all for her, they were.

Nevertheless, she used all her resources and prodded Naruto about some of Jiraya-sama's writings. They could be very useful to her, the man was a Seal Master, after all. But between Hinata (his _fiancée_ , and when did _this_ happen, when did that little squeak of a girl grow a pair of those steel encased balls, and _of course_ it was her who confessed first, Naruto wouldn't know what someone felt for him if they hit him in the face (well, Sakura and Tsunade _did_ hit him… and Sasuke too, to be honest, and okay, so maybe he needed someone to really kick his ass before he understood the feelings the other person had for him, what was it? Shinobi understand each other through fists and fight? Idiot men) and recently taking over after Rokudaime-sama, he didn't really have any time to spare on her.

So after a little time, she pressed Naruto some more (just a little, she didn't want to come across as too annoying or demanding but they were friends so… yeah, whatever, she very nearly begged him but it seemed she didn't even need to) and, after doing some combing of his own, the blond gave her all of his late godfather's scroll and journals.

He told her that he looked through them himself a few times when he tried to reach himself some of the Art (not the kind of _art_ Jiraya was _infamous_ for, she meant Fuinjutsu). Unfortunately, it all looked the same to him ("It's all funny squiggles and lines and circles and is that a drawing of Baa-chan in bikini–") and he seriously didn't have any patience to go at it once more with even _more_ focus. She kind of understood him when she actually saw the piles of scrolls and papers. There were a lot. And after opening a few and glancing through, she saw that there was no order to the notes. They were scattered all around, with lines crisscrossing and pointing and referencing and circling and more circles - ah, no, that was a naked woman again.

So she looked closer and tried to find a method to this chaos. Naruto was helpful in that, he was a master of chaos and trouble, after all. He helped her in deciphering the chicken scratch that was the Toad Sannin's handwriting and pointed out some patterns to the words (here is a spiral, here's a snake-like line, here a zigzag, oh, and here-).

She could have kissed that man right then and there. No, not Jiraya-sama, he was dead for about three years already. There was no way she was kissing him. Besides, his body wasn't even found so it wasn't like she could go to the graveyard and dig him out and, well. She wasn't into that kind of thing. Eugh.

She definitely wasn't thinking about the fact that, hello, Edo Tensei. She wouldn't have kissed the man either way. He was about sixty! Could have been her grandfather, _eugh_ again.

She could have kissed Naruto, that is. But, alas, she wasn't a thief or a bitch (ha! Good one, _she_ wasn't a bitch, oh, how Neji would laugh) and she liked Hinata so she contended herself with a tight hug and spin (she actually lifted him by the waist and spun them around the room, cackling maniacally and grinning like a kunoichi who belonged in the long term ward at the hospital) around the kitchen. Besides, Hinata was right there, next to them, curiously looking over their shoulders at the papers spread all over the counter. And she was Naruto's fiancée.

There was no way Tenten was going to just steal her man (not that she could, Naruto was practically heads over heels in love with her). She didn't wait nearly seven years (wow, it was _seven years_ since she first met the younger shinobi at the Chunin Exam) for them to get together to spoil everything now that they were engaged.

Naruto, under all that bluster and foolishness, was a smart guy. She wouldn't have guessed when he was still a fresh Genin. She remembered the surprising but, in the end, idiotic way he won his fight against Kiba in the preliminaries (not that _she_ could talk, Temari laid her out in a few minutes flat, that was _embarrassing_ ) . She only saw it after his fight with Neji, when he showed her that he wasn't all about charging the opponent head on but also sneaking and planning and goading others to make a mistake while he used whatever crazy idea he came up with to win. All the others villagers saw it after he returned from his training trip and fought Pein and won a _fucking war_ for them.

Anyway. Ignoring the occasional (that is, on nearly every margins) doodle of boobs or, even better (or worse, depending how one looked at it (at the situation, not the boobs, although the boobs too, to a lesser degree)), a doodle of Godaime-sama and her enormous rack, she had to admit that the man _was_ a genius. Also, he was quite a talented artist, Tsunade-sama's tits looked very realistic.

When she finally deciphered Jiraya-sama's half-assed maybe-it's-true-maybe-not-will-never-know-till-I-test-it-but-still-haven't ideas, she made them come true. She was ecstatic for all of two seconds after her (and Jiraya-sama's, it was thanks to both of their hard work, Jiraya-sama's ideas were often just offhanded mentions of it-would-be-amazing-if wonderings) last successful Seal was completed.

Then she started getting antsy and stressed because _what now_. What did she do now, when she did what even an aged and experienced Seal Master didn't (because he didn't have the _time_ to but _details, details_ ). She completed her agenda. She became a Seal Mistress.

So then she wrote a fucking book. Those drawings gave her quite a lot of ideas and there were some parts of the scrolls that were instead filled with plots for various new books. She couldn't just leave it like that, now could she?

So yeah. She wrote the porn. Neji must have been turning in his grave when her book was first released, the prude.

Then, when ideas started dwindling, Naruto burst into her life again, heaps of scrolls in his hands and a gigantic grin on his face. He explained that since she made such great progress, he might as well give her some more information on Seals. This time, the author was Naruto's freaking _dad_. The _Yondaime_. The man who was proclaimed as a one in a lifetime genius in Fuinjutsu (not counting basically the whole Uzumaki clan, as they were so creative in their Seals that other countries banded together just to wipe the population of a whole village of Uzushio). It was a shame that Naruto didn't inherit any of the inclination to the Arts.

And she was busy again. Happy that the notes were neat and legible and easy to understand for her, she practically devoured them in less than a few months.

She discovered that she still wasn't satisfied. And so, like the curious person that she was, she started experimenting.

And that was the _worst fucking mistake_ she has _ever_ made.

Now, here she was, her hands flailed around and a screech escaped her lips, with no control over her body. Absolutely fucking amazing. Neji must be having the time of his ( _after_ )life, watching her struggle from wherever the hell he went to after dying. The sadistic asshole.

She was stuck in a body of a freaking newborn. What did she ever do in her last (the one _before_ she was a shinobi, she knew perfectly well what kind of atrocities she committed as _Tenten_ , the special jounin, member of Konoha ANBU) life to deserve this.

* * *

...

* * *

Hatsu Ryuuzaki was a quiet child. He never threw tantrums, cried only when hungry or in need of a new diaper, didn't demand much attention at all. Easily forgettable if not for the fact that there was a spark of intelligence and knowing in his dark eyes.

Hatsu Ryuuzetsu knew perfectly well where that glimmer came from. And those eyes. And the nose, the mouth, the dark brows and messy hair. The stubborn set to his chin, mulish expression on his face, it was all that man. Right down to every last one of those dark lashes came from the father. The only thing that came from her was the slightly slanted tilt to his eyes, and even those weren't much noticeable. She only noticed because she was looking for something, _anything_ , that would help her disassociate the child from the man. It wasn't very helpful. Even his skin had the slight tan, looking for all the world like he spent all his life in the sunny Italy. She herself was as pale as snow.

It wasn't easy, her pregnancy. After being knocked up, her mouth twisted, she came back to her country and continued as if nothing was wrong. But then her stomach started swelling and she knew that there wasn't any sense in denying the truth.

So she quietly tried to contact the father. She received a memo that he wasn't available and when she said, desperately, helplessly, _stupidly alone_ , not knowing what to do, that she was pregnant, she received some pitying glances and derisive snorts. Only, there came a man. A business partner, very pleasant and nice. A charming older man. Obadiah Stane.

He came to her and had a paternity test conducted and when it appeared that she was telling the truth, he said that he informed Tony but the man simply wasn't interested. She was expecting it, it didn't really shock her but it wasn't nice either.

And although she wasn't hoping for much, she received more than she ever expected. Even though Mr. Stane had her sign a multitude of papers, he was very encouraging and supportive, sighing at Tony's ways and lamenting over his lifestyle. She appreciated him and the fact that he was trying to help.

She didn't really blame Tony, she knew what kind of man he was, after all. And she wasn't a glory-seeking whore, nor was she a vicious woman. She was a willing participant and she couldn't blame only the father. She also didn't need the attention that would undoubtedly fall onto a child of such a man. It was enough that it was _her_ child, she was a goddamned model, famous in the world for her traditional, Japanese beauty, any child of her would have the world's eyes fixed on them. Especially as she wouldn't disclose the identity of the father. She wasn't stupid, she knew that by doing so she would have put a giant bullseye on her child's back. He would have been hunted for being who he was.

So she signed the papers. Disclosure agreements and such. She wouldn't say anything about the baby's father, wouldn't attempt to contact him and they would protect her and keep an eye on things. Plus, she insisted, the father won't have the right to her child as long as she was alive.

So she agreed, signed and left with a brand new credit card which she would throw in her dresser and never use. She decided to raise her child by herself, she didn't need the help, especially not one provided by him. Besides, she wasn't poor. She didn't need any monetary help. She could provide for her son and herself perfectly well.

And her son. She loved her son. He was a ray of sunshine in her life. He always brought a smile to her face, no matter if he just threw some carrots against the wall and left an orange smear there or was just sleeping or walking and oh, he was _such_ a fast learner. He started talking sooner than the books about children's development said he would and she was ever so proud of him.

He was always fiddling with something in his hands, be it a toy or a blanket or even her own phone a few times. He quickly learned how to grasp something between only two of his fingers, most usually his thumb and forefinger. The sight of him holding her set of keys to the house in that way, as if they were contaminated, made her laugh for a long while. The fact that he had a pretty bemused expression on his face, that quickly changed into annoyance, set her off even more. She snapped many pictures that day and one of them was always on her mobile phone's wallpaper.

She didn't work while she was pregnant and didn't come back after giving birth. Her son was too precious to her to just leave him with a babysitter so she stayed at home all two years of his life, enjoying the vacation and time away from her stressful job.

She had enough money to live comfortably for at least a few years more, she didn't need to worry quite yet.

She didn't tell anyone about who was the father, not even her dear brother, who came over as often as he could, bringing toys and sweets and asking whether she needed help or money or _something_. She always politely declined, knowing that he meant well but feeling uncomfortable nonetheless. She wasn't a charity case and neither was her son. She didn't need money from Tony and so she didn't need money from Hatsu Ryuunosuke. He was her only sibling, older by two years and she loved him dearly but she was adamant about not taking any money from him. Even though he insisted, she was just as stubborn. She knew perfectly well that her brother had money but so did she. And her money was at least legal, she thought cynically but didn't bother pointing out to Ryuunosuke. It was family business, she understood that. Her father trained her brother and when he passed away, just a little over five years ago, Ryuunosuke took over. The fact that family business involved being a Yakuza Oyabun wasn't mentioned directly but she could read between the lines. And she was a part of the Hatsu family her whole life, even a blind, deaf and stupid person would have figured out that what her father and his associates did wasn't in any way _legal_.

So she didn't want nor need his money but some of the things he did were greatly appreciated. Like, for example, babysitting while she went grocery shopping (accompanied by her brother's friends and subordinates acting as her shadows, she rolled her eyes, they were always so obvious) or, on one memorable occasion, to the spa (her brother's Family was never so obvious as back then and she couldn't stop a laugh at the fact that some of them actually seemed to be enjoying themselves in the mud baths).

She loved her brother even more fiercely because of that, he always looked after her and her son. Her son, who didn't even remotely look like her. He didn't look Japanese at all. Italian and American (Tony's parents) through and through.

* * *

...

* * *

Tenten was a shinobi, which meant she was adaptable as fuck. Her mind was flexible, just like her morals, and gender wasn't really something she paid much attention to. Except that time when someone said that women were weaker than men. True shinobi should ooze manliness and testosterone and sweat, have scruff on their face and have muscles like fucking brick walls. Well, no, you're wrong here, buddy, and let me tell you why that is, exactly.

First, a shinobi is subtle, a shapeless shadow, chameleon, able to blend in their surroundings, be it a patch of forest or a court full of nobles. Then, after catching their victims unaware, they kill silently and slip away unnoticed.

Or, at least, that was what shinobi were supposed to be like. Nowadays, there was no such thing as subtlety, what with Naruto and the Uchiha throwing about flashy, colourful powerful-ass Ninjutsu like it was going out of style. And everyone was enamored by it, striving to be like them so the traditional way of shinobi was scorned. She found out about it when she joined the ANBU, there weren't much of them but those that were still in service were... angry. At the society, mostly, for condemning them for doing their duty, for following the Hokage's orders, for killing. People were disgusted by the treacherous nature, backstabbing and shadowy style of the elite shinobi who were only doing their jobs. That was the reason why the new generation was weaker, they were softer, more prone to emotional outbursts, forgiving. In other words, they tries to follow Naruto's example. But Naruto was special, and when it came from him it was a first and in the end he could afford being soft because he was strong. The new shinobi could not.

That was what made women such great shinobi. Being a backstabbing bitch was written into every woman's DNA code (except maybe Hinata's, that girl was a saint no matter how you looked at it) and females were naturally more flexible than males. Besides, women were usually lighter in built (meaning no creaking noises in the hallway you're creeping through, a narrow branch will be able to hold your weight (not counting the Akimichi women, sorry) and some, if not most, are beautiful enough to pretend to be prostitutes. In a way, every shinobi was a prostitute, she mused, giving away their body to their country to use ad it saw fit.

Secondly, shinobi endure. They get hurt but that is what makes them stronger, in the end. Nothing was more painful than giving birth, or so they say, men usually faint through the birth of their children and they're not even ones who have to push a fucking human out through their vaginas. Weak.

And finally, being a shinobi wasn't about psychical strength but about being able to hide, hide, hide, wait, strike, flee. Men were usually more arrogant than women, they liked boasting so who better for a job like that (get in, do business, get out without anyone noticing) than a woman who is both humble and determined to do her best (because we would usually send a man for such a mission but we're short on operatives, we decided to give you a chance, if prove yourself, we will be able to trust you with even more dangerous missions, brainwashing at its finest, say that men are better and it will get the girls to believe that they have to try beating them).

So yes, she found out that being a woman was hard but it was worth it in the end.

Finding out that she was a boy was a shocker but not a terrible one because as a shinobi she will adapt and she will thrive. Maybe being a man will be easier, who knew.

Finding out that she was no longer in her world, on the other hand... well, she was a little shell-shocked and a lot fucking angry. That kind of shit should happen to people who deserved it, the Uchiha (or even Orochimaru (on second thought, better not, that creep would just try to make a grab for world domination or something like that, no matter what world)) being a perfect example.

She, Tenten, the weapons shop owner, weapons and fresh Fuinjutsu mistress, was in no way fucking prepared for something like this. She didn't deserve it. She didn't sign up for it, where does one make a reclamation, she wanted to go home. Or go wherever Neji, the asshole, went. So she could slap him into next week for leaving her behind with Lee and Gai and then for not following her here.

But here she was. In a baby's body. With a tiny little penis attached to her. Or him. Whatever. She heaved a giant sigh that transformed half way into a gargle which was followed by a trail of saliva bubbles bursting from her mouth.

She should start referring to herself as a male. She was one, in the end. And she should also stop calling the woman that cared for her a woman that cared for her and start calling her mother. Or something.

She wasn't resentful towards her, she never knew her real parents so she didn't have any image that was to be obscured by the woman's presence. She held no animosity towards her. But she felt fairly annoyed. Not with the woman but with herself. With her lack of coordination and next to no bowel control. Unfortunately, that annoyance transferred to the only thing that she could actively spite. That is, her mother.

So when the woman baby talked to her or interacted with her in any way, she hardly ever reacted (except the fucking tickling, okay? It was a torture, she wondered if Ibiki, that horrifying examiner from her first Chunin Exam, used it in his interrogations) and when the woman stopped paying attention for a few minutes, her mobile phone was in Tenten's hands, prodded and poked.

At first it was to get her to become angry or annoyed (and also because Tenten has never seen such things, how did they work, how could she do them) but the woman was genuinely pleased if a little worried when she first displayed her interest in the things. But as time went on, she started to truly enjoy the technology available in this world.

* * *

...

* * *

Her son hadn't met his father, not even once but he resembled him so much she wanted to cry from frustration. She spent only one night with Tony but she still remembered certain things he did. Like, for example, drumming his fingers into the nearest available surface (her thigh it was, back then, they were in bed), a nervous tick, she guessed. Her little Ryuu didn't have such coordination in his pudgy fingers quite yet but she could he that he tried, chubby appendages twitching in some unknown rhythm. And the flickering of eyes, the both of them always looking around curiously, suspiciously, as if expecting something exciting to happen while their gaze was turned away.

And his intelligence, he was _so_ smart. So cleaver, so quick, picking things up so astonishingly fast. She didn't know whether he inherited the famous Stark talent with mechanics or not because her son was still only two but if he was even remotely interested in it, she would bet that he would be even better at that than even Tony.

She could only wait and see if he will take the same road as his father and choose mechanics and technology or if he would become something else altogether. Only time would tell.

Except that, apparently, she didn't have all that much time because in 2008, a month in Tony Stark's disappearance, Hatsu Ryuuzetsu was killed in a mugging while going home from the store.

* * *

...

* * *

Her son was quietly shuffled off to his uncle's Family home base with nobody the wiser.

While Ryuuzetsu never told her brother who exactly was the boy's father, once he had all the facts (she was at New York, partying, Tony Stark was spotted amongst the attendees and Ryuuzaki looked like a miniature version of the man and well, he might have used some of his Boss charm and voice on her, carefully coaxing some answers, it wasn't like he interrogated her or anything), well, it wasn't _that_ hard to figure out. And once he did, he (quietly, maybe, just a little, really it wasn't that important, he didn't even know if the kid would be interested) nudged his nephew towards the latest piece of technology his Family acquired.

There wasn't any spectacular introduction or anything really, just a ' _look at this, isn't this cool, wanna see how it works?_ ' kind of thing. Most would be interested, be it a child or an adult. It just so happened that Ryuuzaki was interested very much.

He started taking things apart, from the washing machine to the mobile phones and finally, after he passed his fourth birthday, he was allowed access to weapons. But only when monitored and coached by his instructors (the members of the Family who were proficient with their chosen weapons).

Ryuunosuke discovered that besides his technical genius, his nephew was also an excellent marksman, all his shots always hit the target, it was always ten out of ten, once he was taught how to use a gun (he still had a problem with recoil because he was so small, always stumbling back but still managing to score). Knives were even better and with his subordinates singing him praises, Ryuunosukewas beginning to slowly teach him about being a boss (someone would have to do it and he doubted he would ever snatch himself a wife and have children of his own, he wasn't really interested, besides he had the littlest Ryuu).

The child was agreeable and not at all frightened of the weapons so when he started teaching him how to fight and play chess and other strategic games, he didn't protest. And although he learned about judo and karate and aikido, he used a style of his own making, Ryuunosuke was thoroughly impressed, it wasn't exactly easy to make up his own style (at first he believed that the littlest Ryuu was simply making some minor mistakes by not assuming the stances taught to him but later realized that the one the boy used worked _better_ for him and so left it at that).

* * *

...

* * *

When she finally, _finally_ could grasp some things between only two fingers and she was sure that she couldn't get more precise grasp, she started disassembling things. Her toys were first, all of the mechanism becoming known to her. The little electric things were trickier but that was quickly solved when she was two years old. When her mother died and she was taken in by her uncle.

She was a little sad that the woman was gone but not overly so. It wasn't like she was connected to her or anything, that was only a stage in life, a mother cares for you and then stops when you're capable to do it yourself. It was a stage that Tenten didn't have in her previous life so she was just a little bit grateful for it.

And then her uncle showed her how the electricity and the more complicated machines work and she was content. And then, he put a gun in her tiny hand and she was in love.

* * *

...

* * *

There were some points which Ryuunosuke was adamant that his nephew followed. Language lessons were compulsory. On top of expanding the kid's Japanese vocabulary, he also started him on English.

There were also survival skills. Learning how to hide and where to hide _("A wardrobe and under the bed is such an overused way, why don't we make a secret passage then, from the dresser to the vents, higher means you see your enemies, no one will find you as long as you stay quiet, let me teach you how to walk on silent feet"_ ). How to build fire, which berries were edible, which mushrooms were dangerous and which weren't. All of these lessons were taken to heart and Ryuunosuke was proud of the rate his nephew took in all of them. Like a sponge.

And while that was partly true, he never would even suspect that his sister's son was more. Much more.

Because he died in 2011 when his base was attacked by the Yamaguchi Family.

It was lucky that he left a will for one of his trusted allies to follow, explaining his nephew and requesting his transfer to his real father because he saw that Tony Stark had changed and even if he didn't trust the man at all, didn't think he deserved his darling younger sister or his beloved nephew, he didn't have much of a choice. And his allies would listen, they had a deal. After doing as he told them, they would assume to know nothing about the whole situation.

* * *

...

* * *

Tony looked blankly down, down, down at the kid standing before him. He was so small. Tony wasn't a kid person, he didn't know anything about the pipsqueaks so he assumed that the child could be anywhere from three to about twelve years old, all of them were so _tiny_. Tony didn't know how to tell a toddler from a fucking grade schooler, didn't really see a difference.

The kid had his looks, sun-kissed skin, brown hair and eyes. The eyes were dark chocolate but slightly more squinted than Tony's own, he only noticed because he was looking for similarities, it was so small a difference. The face was his, too, the brows (dark and arched) and chin (fucking _stubborn_ , a Stark chin through and through) and lips (tilting up at the corners all the time, like he was about to drop a punchline to a joke or something). Even the hair was styled in a similar way to Tony's. The sides were cut shorter and the top was longer, brushed back and up, Tony wondered if hairspray was used.

It was as if someone ripped his younger self from an old newspaper, brought it to life and stuck it before him. Unnerving and disquieting, he would have suspected foul play but the facts presented to him were enough to know that no, it really was his son. And he was a horrible fucking excuse for a father, _god_. He didn't think he would ever admit it but it turned out that he was somehow _worse_ than even _Howard_. _Christ_ , he didn't think that would be even possible (mainly because he never even thought he would have children to which _be_ a someone worse than even Howard, he should get some fucking award for that because that was an achievement in itself, fuck, he would have sworn it was impossible before this day).

The kid was wearing black slacks and white shirt with a tie. A tiny fucking tie for a tiny fucking person. Christ. And there were even tiny dress shoes to match the entire assemble. Fucking fuck.

How could he have fucked up this much.

 _God_.

Pepper was going to kill him when she got back from wherever she was gone to for the day.

He heard the elevator open and looked in its direction with trepidation. The feeling turned to dread when the well-known click-clack of heels echoed from the hallway.

Correction, Pepper was going to kill him _now_.

Should he throw himself out the window, he flickered considering eyes in the direction of his balcony but soon didn't have time for that as his ex-PA entered the living room in all her high-heeled glory. She paused seeing him and the other two people in the room. The social worker garnered merely a curious look but the kid had her entire attention. Her eyes narrowed.

He was so, _so_ fucked.

* * *

...

* * *

Pepper was still yelling at him, the social worker fucking _left_ without saying so and him noticing (what the fuck, what part of this counts as being a responsible adult, fuck, someone left a _kid_ with him, that wasn't responsible, someone should clearly fire this guy because he clearly sucked at his job, he didn't even have any _papers_ ), a kid was foisted off on him and he was nursing a headache the size of Mexico. About that, he walked over to the bar and poured himself some medicine, now he was nursing scotch.

And Pepper was screaming now, furious and spitting mad. Her face pinched, lips pressed in a flat line when she waited for him to answer (she ranted, waited exactly .4 seconds and asked (screamed) _why wasn't he answering her, well?_ , insert tapping of small feet in high heels), her hair came undone from her perfect bun and was billowing about her face as she paced furiously. She looked so hot but also dangerous as fuck so he wasn't about to make any inappropriate comments. He wasn't an asshole, he wasn't an asshole, he wasn't, he wasn't, he–

"How did this even happen?" She yelled finally and _well_. What could he do _but_ answer. In as non-assholish way as possible.

"You know, Pep, when a man and a woman–" okay, he was officially an asshole. Of epic proportions. Not that he didn't already know. Not that Pepper and the _whole fucking world_ didn't already know. But, he tried, that counts as something, right?

Pepper's rapidly reddening face gave him a clear answer that no, no it didn't mean _shit_.

Well. Time for diversion.

"Calm down, Pep, you're scaring him," he said, trying to (distract) get her to breathe because he was afraid that her face would get stuck in the _I'm-about-to-murder-you_ expression permanently. It was obviously a bad plan because she was looking more and more ready to claw his arch reactor out of his chest and spit acid in the hole it left behind. And maybe stick her shoe up his ass. In a completely non-sexual way. _Yeah_.

No, not thinking about that. Definitely not. There was a child present. He looked down and around the room and corrected himself because was. There _was_ a child.

He blinked. Where was the child now, though.

* * *

...


End file.
